Blaming Others: Becoming The Victim
One of the biggest dangers of falling into these trap is that you become the victim. Everyone else is ruining your life. It’s not your fault–they are doing this to you. You are the poor, innocent one who is being taken advantage of. They are making it miserable for you. If you think like this, you are turning yourself into the victim.
Victims Are Helpless
And making yourself the victim is a really bad idea. That’s because if you are the victim, you can’t solve the problem. It puts you in a helpless state. if you own the problem you can do something about it. But if you are the victim, then you are helpless, and there is nothing you can do. If you own the problem, then you can be part of the solution.
Blaming Others Fuels More Anger
Additionally making yourself into the victim, just fuels your anger even more. It works like this. In your mind, someone else has wronged you. Since they wronged you that mean s that you are the victim. And if you thing that you are the victim then this thinking is going to cause your anger to grow. And that anger will cause you to do things, and to justify those actions. You’ll start thinking things like:
“I’ve been wronged here. I’ve been taken advantage of. I’m not going to put up with this. I’m not going to get walked on! I won’t be a doormat!”
More Anger, More Problems
Thoughts like that will lead you to more anger, which will lead you to more problems. The truth may be that someone has wronged you. But even if that is true, becoming a victim might just be the worst thing you an do for you anger management.
So if you see yourself as the victim, you have to adjust your thinking. Thinking like this will only hurt you if you want to learn to take control of your anger.
Blaming Others: Doesn’t Solve Anything
Just last week I had a client tell me, “Managing my anger wouldn’t be so hard if my wife only wasn’t so critical.”
I’ve also heard:
- Wives tell me their anger management wouldn’t be so difficult if their husbands would just listen.
- Parents say they would be able to manage their anger if their kids did as they were told.
- Kids say they wouldn’t get mad if their parents treated them with respect.
- Bosses say they’d never blowup if their employees would just do their jobs.
- Employees say they wouldn’t lose their cool if their bosses weren’t such jerks.
And they are all right. There is truth in each one of these statements. If everyone in our lives treated us better, anger management would be much easier.
Anger Management Is Your Problem
But that’s not reality. People aren’t nice to us all the time, and that’s not going to happen anytime soon. That’s a fantasy.
There is also a big problem with this thinking. If managing your anger depends on how someone else treats you, then are you really the one managing your anger? If your success in anger management depends on what they do, is it really your anger management at all? If you do well when people are kind to you, and do poorly when they are not, doesn’t that sound like they are actually ones managing your anger?
Take Control Of Your Anger
If you re going to succeed in this problem, you have to take control of your anger. No matter what anyone else does, your success in anger management is up to you.
Excerpt taken from “Take Control Of Your Anger: A Step-by-Step Guide to Anger Management” by Michael Ballard.